Friend or Foe?

Did you hear about the man in Iowa City, Iowa that was accused of being a zombie? Apparently he went into a restaurant to order some food, another man accused him of being a zombie and punched him. Then the “zombie” tried to use his cell phone to call the police. The other man punched him again and broke the “zombie’s” nose. (Thanks for the info SG).

This shows me that there are people out there who do not know how to recognize a zombie. So today, we will talk about how to recognize a zombie. This is not a complete list but the guidelines I use when trying to identify if there is a zombie nearby.

(1) Is there rotting flesh falling from the person? If yes, then you have a zombie. RUN!!

(2) Is the person using a cell phone (for anything other that a weapon)? Then you have a normal person. Zombies don’t make calls or text people or update their facebook page either.

(3) Does the person crave brains? Definitely a zombie.

(4) Does the person walk in a slow, strange manner? Well you could have a zombie or maybe just someone with a slight injury. Do not attack if you notice someone walking strangely. Observe them for further confirmation.

(5) Does the person have strange colorations? You know very pale (I mean VERY ghostly colored) with dark circles under their eyes? Again, you could have a zombie or just someone who needs more rest. As with #4, observe the person and watch for additional signs of zombie-ness.

(6) Does the person lose a body part and not seem to notice? Same as #1. ZOMBIE!!!! RUN!

(7) Does the person seem not to understand a word you say and is emotional-less? Maybe it’s a zombie or maybe you’re at the DMV. Its hard to know the difference. As with #4 further observation is required.

(8) Does the person feel cold? No I don’t mean they have cold feeling hands. I mean COLD. They feel like they’ve been inside a freezer for a month. No warmth, no body heat coming from them. You have a zombie.

(9) Does the person have a heart beat? Now if the answer is they have no heart beat and they are up walking around, then they are a zombie. I don't advise getting close enough to check this one...


Think you can pick a zombie out of a line up now? But never ever go up to someone and accuse them of being a zombie unless you are SURE. And no, zombies will not be ordering cheeseburgers. They will be reaching over the counter to devour the cashier and their tasty brains…

Watching out for zombies,

The wife