D-E-F-E-N-S-E

Remember the article where I mentioned the man who was wrongly accused of being a zombie? And his accuser punched him? That article made me think. I mean who punches a zombie? Why would you put your fist that close to their mouths, where they can bite you and turn you into a zombie?

So I decided we needed to discuss defense, proper and improper methods. Fighting zombies is not like fighting a regular person. If you “fight” a regular person, you don’t have to worry about what happens if they bite you. Of course, it would hurt but they won’t be able to turn you into a zombie. Nor do you have to defend your brain. So what methods should you use? The obvious answer here is a gun. It allows you to be a considerable distance from the zombie and allows you to pierce their brain, thus halting their attack. The problem with guns is ammo. Sad to say there is only a limited amount of ammo that you will have at one time. How great it would be to use one of those video game cheats where you get unlimited ammo? But this is real life, not a game.

What else could you use? How about a bow & arrows? Again, it gives you the long-range distance and ability to pierce the brain. Now, I do not know if you should aim for a soft spot like an eye in order to access the brain, or if an arrow would be able to pierce a skull or not. Anyone know? I don’t use bow & arrows myself, as it calls for a degree of accuracy. Like guns, bow & arrows have limited ammo. The key is distance to the zombie. Those items that give you maximum distance have limited ammo.

So what about items that don’t need ammo? I have what used to be the handle of a compressor. It has a nice grip. The rest of it is a long rectangular shaped steel bar. If you were to get hit with that, you would be down for the count. My intended use is similar to that of something like a bat. You get something that with a little force on your part can do some damage but causes you to be in close proximity to the zombie. Also, unless you can really hit hard, the likelihood of piercing the brain on the first try is slim. This is one of those things you will need to use multiple hits with. Which of course increases your time near the zombie and increases the chances of other zombies showing up.


Okay, lets look at knives. They come in varying sizes like little pocketknives and even long swords. A knife will allow you to cut the zombie. But unless you have a large/strong enough blade (like on a sword) made of a good gauge of metal, you would do minimal damage. Again, most blades will cause you to be in close proximity to the zombie and increases your odds of being injured and becoming a zombie yourself.

So my plan? A gun with substantial ammo. And a spear or two…

Looking for long poles,
The Wife

Friend or Foe?

Did you hear about the man in Iowa City, Iowa that was accused of being a zombie? Apparently he went into a restaurant to order some food, another man accused him of being a zombie and punched him. Then the “zombie” tried to use his cell phone to call the police. The other man punched him again and broke the “zombie’s” nose. (Thanks for the info SG).

This shows me that there are people out there who do not know how to recognize a zombie. So today, we will talk about how to recognize a zombie. This is not a complete list but the guidelines I use when trying to identify if there is a zombie nearby.

(1) Is there rotting flesh falling from the person? If yes, then you have a zombie. RUN!!

(2) Is the person using a cell phone (for anything other that a weapon)? Then you have a normal person. Zombies don’t make calls or text people or update their facebook page either.

(3) Does the person crave brains? Definitely a zombie.

(4) Does the person walk in a slow, strange manner? Well you could have a zombie or maybe just someone with a slight injury. Do not attack if you notice someone walking strangely. Observe them for further confirmation.

(5) Does the person have strange colorations? You know very pale (I mean VERY ghostly colored) with dark circles under their eyes? Again, you could have a zombie or just someone who needs more rest. As with #4, observe the person and watch for additional signs of zombie-ness.

(6) Does the person lose a body part and not seem to notice? Same as #1. ZOMBIE!!!! RUN!

(7) Does the person seem not to understand a word you say and is emotional-less? Maybe it’s a zombie or maybe you’re at the DMV. Its hard to know the difference. As with #4 further observation is required.

(8) Does the person feel cold? No I don’t mean they have cold feeling hands. I mean COLD. They feel like they’ve been inside a freezer for a month. No warmth, no body heat coming from them. You have a zombie.

(9) Does the person have a heart beat? Now if the answer is they have no heart beat and they are up walking around, then they are a zombie. I don't advise getting close enough to check this one...


Think you can pick a zombie out of a line up now? But never ever go up to someone and accuse them of being a zombie unless you are SURE. And no, zombies will not be ordering cheeseburgers. They will be reaching over the counter to devour the cashier and their tasty brains…

Watching out for zombies,

The wife